How do you know you are headed in the right direction when you are surrounded by fog and your GPS is broken?
That is the best way that I can describe the current season that I am in. I’m feeling frustrated with the process because I can’t see whether the end is near or not. I can’t see what is going on around me and I’ve lost my sense of direction. I have moments when I feel confident that I am headed in the right direction and then almost immediately something changes and I lose my bearings.
My life is great and God has been taking excellent care of us. I have a great marriage, beautiful, healthy children, and everything that I need but my life is not how I dreamed it would be. There are still things that are outside of my reach. Things that I’ve been hoping and dreaming for and they still seem so far.
When I first began my walk with God four years ago, it felt like I was moving in the right direction and then things happened that at times made me feel like I stopped moving toward or was moving further away from my dreams.
The last few years I have been in a season of wilderness. The Lord has given us just enough to sustain us and at the same time has allowed us to go through trials to help grow us. I can see how much I’ve grown since the process started and it’s encouraging but at the same time it is a struggle not knowing where I am in this season.
Am I truly moving closer to God’s will for my life?
At the beginning of this year, I know I heard so clearly that this was going to be the year of manifestation, the year that I would see promises realized, but then I also felt the Lord tell me that the biggest period of testing was coming and it was a disheartening reminder that this wilderness season is not over yet.
It’s been like being on a boat in the middle of the ocean, surrounded by water on all sides. I’ve been sailing in the direction the Lord has been leading but day after day all I see is water. Then storms hit and I am hit with crashing waves, strong winds, and rain. All I see is dark clouds and I call out to God to help me get through the storm. Each time I face the storms they are stronger and more difficult but God pulls me through and as a result I am stronger and able to handle more. It is encouraging to see the growth that I’ve experienced but at the same time when the storms cease, I am still surrounded by water and I have no idea if I am any closer to land.
I struggle with not being in control, not knowing where I am in this process. I struggle with being content where I am while at the same time staying encouraged to keep dreaming, to keep holding on to the promises that God has made in my life. It seems contradictory and at times it is frustrating to experience both.
I feel this pressure to do this season well because I don’t want to stay here. I have my moments when I don’t do things well and I make mistakes and I fear being stuck in this wilderness. And even worse, I have my moments when I do things well and I feel good but still nothing changes. Whether I do well or make mistakes, nothing changes and it can be discouraging.
No matter what I do, no matter how much I learn and grow, I’m still here in the middle of the ocean, lost and confused.
Now faith brings our hopes into reality and becomes the foundation needed to acquire the things we long for. It is all the evidence required to prove what is still unseen. (Hebrews 11:1 NLT)
But then I am reminded that none of this matters.
What matters is God. So long as I have God, what more do I need?
Everything that I think I want is all to fill this longing in my heart that only God can fill. Everything else is an illusion.
When I become discouraged, it is because I have my focus on the wrong things. Where I am and what I am doing does not matter. What matters is that I am doing life with God.
The Lord is my constant. He is my North Star. As long as I am following Him, I am always headed in the right direction.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take. (Proverbs 3:5-6 NLT)